Not everyone is your cup of tea. But sometimes we don’t get to choose who comes to the tea party. Here’s my take on how to deal in those situations.

EDIT RUTHLESSLY.

But first, if there are people in your life that are very negative, consistently offensive or just drain your energy, don’t be afraid to say “Bye Felicia”. Our time on earth is limited. It’s crucial that we spend the time we have pouring into the people we love and filling ourselves up with people who bring us good vibes.

If you’re finding it difficult to cut someone out of your life, examine why that is. Often we think we need people to like us. But really, why? If that person doesn’t like you, you might not be their cup of tea, and that is ok. Let me repeat. It is okay if there are people in the world that do not like you. Here’s the key takeaway. When you start cutting out the people who are bad for you, it opens up space for more people who are good for you. Spend your time with people you like and who like you.

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE YOU CAN’T EDIT OUT?

This approach doesn’t always work. Sometimes the difficult people are family or colleagues. People we can’t just edit out of our lives. So how do you navigate those situations with grace? A holiday with your partner’s sister? The racist uncle whose politics you despise? A half day meeting in close proximity to the colleague who drives you bonkers?

1. Remember people are people.
   

   This is important. Every person has their own baggage and we might never know what that is. Our childhood, our circumstances, our relationships, our beliefs form who we are, what we think and how we act. And everyone has experienced their own kind of trauma, loss, heartbreak and setbacks. Abuse of all forms is rampant in our world. You just never know what someone has suffered or experienced. So start out humble and never assume. There is often a hurt inner child behind the seemingly unbreakable adult facade.

2. Set the tone immediately.

   Find the good. It may be hard, but usually there is something positive you can find about a person. Something they have done. A role they have. A particular quality. It might be small and hard to find, but push past the negative qualities to find at least one good nugget. Examine it. Talk it up. Let it grow to be bigger in your mind than the other stuff. Walk into the room with that positive image in your mind. Seek them out and tell them about that one thing, “I was just thinking about that time you did / said [insert event] and I wanted to tell you that I thought it was really great. Or on the way here, I was thinking about how you are [insert positive quality] and how much I appreciate you for that. If you do this, you will catch this person completely off guard and you have immediately set the tone for the time you are with them in a positive light.
   
   Having trouble and still can’t find anything good? Make something up. Imagine something that could be a good quality they might have. In this case, don’t actually say something you don’t know to be true. Just hold on to that positive image in your head. The thoughts you have and tone you set in your mind will already cause a mind shift change.

3. Avoid triggering topics.

   This is probably already a given. You can’t always avoid triggering topics. But you can not be the one to start them, and you can also choose whether or not to walk away from the conversation or just not to engage. Save your explanations, research and considerate thought for people you know to be open to change and who value new insights. The only thing to come out of your efforts with someone who is stubborn and closed to change, is bad feelings and potentially a big blow up.

4. Use your invisible mirror shield.

   What’s a mirror shield? Imagine you have a shield like Captain America or Wonder Woman’s golden cuffs that are made of mirror and reflect bad words and negativity off you and onto the person who said them. When someone says something hateful or hurtful it is always a reflection of the person who said them. Consider that they must be suffering or struggling inside deeply to lash out in such a negative way. Don’t accept their words. They are not yours to be damaged by. The person who said them owns them, owns the hurt, pain and negativity that comes with them.

5. Stand your ground, politely.

   When worse comes to worse, it’s good to have a one-liner to fall back on. A statement that lets someone know you refuse to be mistreated and the conversation is done. Consider, “We will just have to agree to disagree on this.” “Your experience is different than mine and let’s leave it there.” “Unfortunately we don’t understand each other on this and I don’t think we are going to. Let’s refocus on the things we can relate to, like [insert family members you both love or a lighthearted topic].

6. Expect the unexpected.
   

   If we go into a situation assuming it’s going to be awful, then it probably is. Before you go into a situation, de-thaw your heart a little bit. Admit to yourself that you have a role to play in the course of events and be open to a different outcome. Don’t set any expectations. Just choose to be your best self and be open should there be a shift in energy between you and the other person. And if it does fail, let it wash over you and let it go. Don’t hold on to the negative experience. You don’t own that energy, the other person does.

7. Reflect love.

   The event has come to a close and you are on your way home. Maybe things went differently. Maybe not. The best thing you can do at this moment is remember #1 above. People are people. Let your heart see and feel the inner child of the other person. You don’t have to know why a child is crying or suffering without wanting to put your arms around them, comfort them and tell them it’s ok. Let your heart beam back love and empathy on that person.